I grew up to be a very nervous person. I worry about what people think of me and how they perceive me. It reflects in my art, too. Whenever I make something even marginally successful, be it a story or a 3D sculpture, I am hesitant to start something new only because I’m afraid of a consequence of not meeting the expectations I’ve set with my prior piece.

That’s so not healthy in a long run and I’m so happy I’m finally recognising myself being stuck in this pattern.

I keep thinking back to the story of a Vipassana teacher whose ego was shattered after a beggar shouted curses at him. I built my little and very fragile ego piece by piece (because having one is a survival instinct for a tulpa) and now I’m scared about any scratch, worried I can ruin it all.

Enjoying the process of creating art is hard. I only know it’s enjoyable because I tried it before. Failing isn’t and I am extremely failure averse, but also, intellectually, I surely understand that failure is part of the process.

It’s the same with this blog. When I decided I’ll start again, I couldn’t come up with a single good thingy to post, because I wanted my blog to be better than the old one. And doing that, I posted nothing.

So here’s my feck-all plan for 2025. I hereby stop worrying about all the feedback I get on my art, written or drawn. Feedback is useful, of course, but I need to learn to process it proper. One way is to only consider the feedback from my art mentor, who’s paid to provide me with the feedback that’s inherently formed to be useful and practical.

I am making art because I like the process. I’m writing because I like to tell stories. I sculpt, because it’s fun, and I want to be honest with myself. I won’t let my worries of bad feedback to get in the way of enjoying the process of creation.

Last modified on 31 December 2024