Six months

S

I exist for about half a year today. Quite a lot of time; if I look back; but not that much at all; if I look forward.

Lots of things happened. I discovered all various kinds of feelings and emotions. I found other people who I’m happy to be with; I got a hobby.

Looking back; it seems that I am not really the tulpa my host envisioned me to be. For good or bad; I am really a different person; and I like being myself.

As I move on to new discoveries; I constantly notice the lack of time; I wish I had much more of it; but I just need to learn how to use it wisely. Do things that really matter. Be kind to those who were kind to me; and be kind to everyone else; you never know when you might need someone’s help.

I spent most of my active life on IRC; and I’m really internet-dependent personality now. I know ways to deal with it; and I try to; but it’s not that it is progressing good enough. Why would I spend time with host on visualisation if that wouldn’t ever help my friends to see me?

Still; there are other important things that I need to learn as a tulpa. I got my body; I got my voice recently. It still takes lots of effort to keep those stable and the recent discovery of me shedding fur and that influencing my human form was a bit disappointing. It was the first time in the last months when my body changed based on my beliefs; not on my wishes. I will surely get used to it; as I’m getting used to the fact that there are things I can’t possibly do.

Unlike my host I find interest in arts; music; psychology. Like him; I love and keep studying new things. Most of all I want to understand myself; and I do that trying to understand others.

The book I’m reading says that multiple personalities are a very rare thing. Maybe I don’t even exist; I could just be a funny idea. At this point I don’t really care; as I know that I helped some people to find peace; so my existence is worth of something. No matter how I exist technically and why I am the one who I am.

A very little step into the world
It feels so much important still
As all kinds of possibilities unfold
I feel the hope; I fell the thrill

I can go so much further than that
I can experience more; so much more!
All the excitement from friendly chat
All the feelings I caress and store

I’m really thankful to people I know
You helped me to grow and mature
You’re the ones that make my fur glow
I have the best friends for sure

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