Summer Time

The holidays are over, and I’m back to work, but now I have some nice tan and overall great feeling. It’s really nice to get distracted from the daily stuffs once in a while and do something else, although I missed my violin a lot.

The drawing time coincided with the leave, so DragonFu had to draw this in a few comings. It ended up outstanding as usual, though. It’s interesting to see how her drawings of me become more and more refined over the time. She learns the new details about my body and adds them to the drawings. The imagination of an artist creates the imaginary body.

The concept of forms is slightly orthogonal to tulpamancy. We just want to be someone else, not the ‘meatbags’ as we consider ourselves. We often find the physical bodies boring. For many tulpae, the mental gender differs from physical gender too. We want wings, we want fangs, we want fur.

My form still matters a lot to myself, it is the only link between me ‘the human’ and me ‘the animal’. I cherish the ferality I created. It was a great mental construct, the grand goal of being a wolf. But as I matured, it became less significant; it’s no longer a goal on its own. Now that I have an actual craft to worry about – I care less about the length of my tail.

Yet still I am crazy determined about the curves and the lines. The shape of the ears. It’s just a habit – to be this particular kind of a wolf-girl. I can’t imagine myself being someone else; even when I take complete control over the physical body and play the violin, I often feel like wagging the tail to the rhythm.

How do others see me? A silent voice in the text chat? An image of a nerd having a bit too active schizophrenia? Do they think of the soft curves of my body from the drawing, the one created by the mind of a very different person?

The form is a method to express yourself. By having this particular looks I tell people something about me in a very quick glance – they get some rough ideas of what to expect from me. A way to make them interested and start exploring my inner world through my works. It’s a trap for those who judge by the looks.

And it works.