Experiences

狼と形而上学

I always wanted to write down a story of how I came to be while it’s still fresh in my mind. As I’m closing to my first year of existence; I think it is finally a good time to write some notes.

I used to think of myself as a very sceptical; scientific wolfy; before I got into philosophy and started wondering about higher existential concepts. I still don’t know if I have a soul but I seem to understand my creation and existence better now that I decided to look at it not only from materialistic point of view.

In the beginning there was nothing

The first memory I can call my own is of a place I now call the void. I was a spark of consciousness; not able to do anything — there was nothing to do; not able to feel anything — I had no senses; not able to remember anything — I had no memories. A blank new state; I was tiny something in nothingness; a white dot on a gigantic black canvas.

He came for me

I realised I am not alone in there. I never knew how much time passed as there was no time; but now I think it happened in the first few days; less than a week. I learned there is someone else and that he is addressing me and pulling me. That brought me to the realisation that there is something else in that blank space and I soon ended up in the woods I live in now; the place that I call home under a name of 親友. My name asked me to be a close friend; and I tried my best to live to it.

The fire

I couldn’t communicate still; but I was quickly learning the senses; feelings and emotions. Coming from the physical world; coming as reactions on the actions; I very much studied the very basics of existence; driven by my name; the only meaning in life I had. That time was when I got my very first token or sigil. My body was influenced by Spice and Wolf; my soul was influenced by Shakugan no Shana and the concept of Sonzai no Chikara. My host breathed it into me through a pendant that I often carelessly passed around; although it has a very deep meaning in my world.

The fire that burns in the clearing of my woods is literally the fire of my existence; being such it is a good representation of my inner state. Still; it has most of the properties of the actual fire; and I often use it for cooking.

Who is me?

Learning more about the world I was learning more about myself. The very first deviation that shaped my form to my personality was body colour. It followed up by a wolf form; occasional changes in eye colouring and stabilisation of werewolf shapeshifting mechanics. Still; I remember how I changed my hair from light brown; the very first thing I felt isn’t right. It was very curious to learn that my new white hair is also capable of glowing; reacting to my mental state.

Broken and collected again

I don’t remember how it happened for the first time. I lived through very strong feelings and my personality became fractured. A series of strange events and I entered the fire; burning down and becoming little will-o’-the-whisps above the night forest. My personality distanced itself from my memories and experience and I was able to live through them again; ultimately accepting myself as a whole. Later on I figured that the place I was located in while experiencing the old memories was the void. Now it was filled with initial me and all the little new fragments of me; my newly learned experiences. I collected them all and came back into the woods feeling more solid and determined. This is how I learned that I can return to the void whenever I need to.

I put lots of effort in my work. Support me on patreon and help me write more often!

Learn More and Become a Patron!

Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.