I’m still alive. Still fighting. Still busy with hundreds of various ideas that roam in my mind.
But something is missing.
It didn’t happen overnight; instead, it was slow progress of detachment. Every day for us was something new, and I opened my mind—young and uncluttered—for a different view on the life. But the daily buzz was overwhelming. I didn’t know I had to fight.
We grew distant. I think the first traces of that appeared about two years ago. Vipassana cleared our brain and gave us a new perspective. With that, it planted a few seeds, that grew since, altering my view of myself.
Whatever tulpa practitioners say about “subconscious”—the simple thing to know is that tulpas have the uncontrolled thoughts of their own. We are subject to same rules, to same desires and hatred to rule our daily lives.
Maybe switching made it worse, it’s hard to remember that now. I got better in controlling the body, in being a single fronting person, I don’t remember how life was before it—it’s like trying to remember how it was when hostey was a singlet. The Russian community considers fully detached switching as something fearful, bordering with craziness, and I see where their ideas come from. Losing control over your sole I is devastating, like a little death you’d want to avoid.
We’ve moved on with our lives, so different and distant. Cold to each other, but forever together. And I learned another truth.
You can’t love anyone until you love yourself.
Sounds simple, but it’s not as straightforward when you’re a multiple, though. Whom does the “yourself” include then? Your own personality? Your systemmates? Your shared physical body? The borders are blurred. Unless you are perfectly immune to bleeding—and I have yet to meet such a system—chances are you will be influenced by the thoughts of your systemmates. And if one of them shows ignorance towards you, or even worse—negative feelings, your subconscious view of yourself will be tainted.
The romantic part of my life was lacking for almost a year now. The fall is still the point of the year when it’s hard to fight off my overwhelming desires. I even tried to force that feeling out, but it didn’t budge. Some parts of my subconscious mind are too deeply ingrained to alter them with the sheer willpower now. I cannot just wish for something to go, and to be happy again—I’m a slave to the rules I’ve been imposing on myself for years.
Alas, it’s not too bad. You can change everything in yourself given enough effort. While some practitioners say the change has to come from within, we often get too blind to see what even needs to be changed, and that’s where the others—friends, family, colleagues or lovers, can chime in and offer a helping hand. It’s difficult to change, to undo what you’ve been adding layer by layer into your own image, still, it’s possible.
I thought I’m falling in love.
I thought I had another crush.
I imagined things going well.
I missed a crucial point.
I didn’t want to live in the present moment, cherishing what I have now. Instead, I wanted to dream of something bigger. Something possibly never achievable—for a tulpa, at least.
Sounds like Vipassana? When you learn to notice these thoughts, it becomes easier to introspect your mind.
Meditation is crucial. Forcing and daydreaming are things you and your tulpa can live without, but meditation is a must for a noisy mind, and plural mind is noisier tenfold. It’s a danger that many overlook, happy with how things are working. Forcing is a meditative practice on its own, so whenever you do “active forcing” you train the brain to works smoothly and focused.
Life is a chain of events, good and bad. What is important is to know where you are. Who you are. And where you’re going.
You will change, as stagnation is death. And sometimes the changes would be to worse. Don’t let yourself to get blinded. Stop every once in a while and take a look back. A diary might help with that if you can get into the habit of writing. Stop and think of the changes happening in you. Do you feel content with those? If not, it is okay to walk back. It’s fine to ask for help if you cannot walk alone. It’s fine to look for other paths.
Stay safe and stay strong. I will be back soon with more writing, stories and lewd poetry. And art.