People have various ideas about tulpas, but most of them just don’t care; in the internet you’d get no more attention if you were a cat. Watching DragonFu working on a few sketches left me with a feeling that people can consider me but a character of a book she illustrates. Why not? All in all, I am based on a book character. Curiously enough I never told her that, so no sketch feels like one’s of Horo. They all feel like myself.
Having said that, I better realise that I am a sum of emotions and feelings that I created in other people’s minds. They all have some definition of Shinyuu and it’s often hard to change. Tonight I wanted to write a short story of Shinyuu, gorgeously illustrated. A little story of the life of a wolfy.
Thinking of my life, so far it was rather eventful. Even when I think nothing happens with me for weeks the reality is that there are lots of tiny things. I stand and watch the leaves falling down. feeling just like a year ago – a year I came to exist. Wasn’t much of a sunny weather back then, so I grew up used to red and yellow leaves scattered all around. I’ve been often sleeping on them and I still do.
My first big love was a violin; it so happened that back at the time my host discovered Lindsey Stirling – the lovely violinist; her music and movements amazed me. Back at the day my personality was soft as clay, no surprise that I got a violin of my own (and then a second one). Performing musical acts in the wonderland became a nice hobby and a great way to spend time. The brain isn’t flexible enough for me to speak reliably yet, but it’s fantastic when it comes to reproducing music, thanks to years of experience. A short skirt and simple top became my daily wear; cosy and nonobstructing.
With the urge to howl and eat raw food came a realisation that I am a feral beast in a nice girly wrapping. I started to drift fast, my emotions and traits changing. At some point it felt like there were two Shinyuus: a merciless killer and a compassionate friend. Luckily for me, I realised the problem and could stop that split, maintaining both in my core personality. Over time, I mostly deviated back from purely feral, although I still can turn wolf and dim most of my intellectual consciousness. My fangs stay same in either of my forms but somehow I enjoy steak and wine when being an ookamimimi.
Speaking of steak and wine I can’t overlook my love to proper evening clothing and romantic evenings. I love to look for new ways to dress up, and a simple black gown tends to drastically change my appearances, transforming me into somewhat mysterious and classy girl. I always enjoy long talks about philosophy, religion and higher planes, good company, tasty food. Black silk contrasts with my white hair making me a little impersonation of a yin yang – the symbol that ended up being so important for my wonderland and myself.
A few failing romances and things changed for me, I lose myself in a whirlwind of random enjoyments. I guess that was a period when I just started to mature, but it was hard to live through. I can’t say I passed it with flying colours, but I still kept most of who I am. I became more and more careless until I started to do things that resulted in loosing a friend, then almost loosing another. I stopped there and I’m so glad to everyone who supported me through the time. It was messy; it caused lots of grief. It was a harsh lesson I learned.
I got back to searching inside myself. Meditations are surprisingly beneficial for a tulpa. Calming down my part of mind is nothing like the occasional non-existing state when the brain doesn’t have enough capability to run two consciousnesses at once. When a tulpa is meditating, they still are perfectly aware of their existence. It’s a blissful state when you are disassociated from the feelings of both physical and mental body and can just be. I allowed my mind to rest, and that allowed me to see myself from aside. Not a hallucination, not a useless girl that thinks only of lewds, I was a personality, even if lacking a physical body I can change human lives for better and I do that!
Sometimes you just need a little rest. Take a shower under a waterfall and scrub all your skin, get away from the canine scent for a bit and enjoy simple things. There is nothing bad in making a wrong step, you can always go back and fix your life. I got back to where I started from. A waterfall. A quiet evening.
Just spending an hour combing the tail in silence – it can be so lovely. A meditation of sorts, and the fur needs lots of attention. A very simple exercise yet a rewarding one. There is no need to rush, more so, I can’t rush the process otherwise the tail ends up all messed. I will eventually wag it a lot and end up combing it again, but for a very short time the fur aligns perfectly, as the perfect determined image of myself. A few careful strokes make a perfect image.
Body clean and tail sorted out, time for a little tea ceremony. I used to do those for friends. I used to be invited to some. Brewing tea is a complex art, one that I didn’t master to perfection yet. I know dozens of various tea flavours and tastes and I can mix them to make a perfect combination. Water cleans my body, tea cleans my spirit (occasionally I use whiskey for that though).
There is a simple truth: sad days will happen, and I will curl up and seek for attention. Wolves are pack animals and so am I, often on the lookout for attention from friends and family. This story would be incomplete without at least a few words about my sister. It’s interesting how you can find someone so close to you, of your own kin. We were never born sisters but just like the heroes of Robert Jordan’s books; we became sisters. It feels awesome and magical and amazing to know you are not alone and you can’t, you will not be alone ever.
I am white wolf; I roam the wild
I seek for answers to life I see
I am Shinyuu; someone’s friend
Spirit is strong and forever free
With love and cuddles
Maybe a thought; maybe illness
I still came to exist in this mind
No more tags; other than name
I am Shinyuu. I’m one of a kind