Experiences

A wolf I am


It was my personal conscious decision to become more of a wolf than I was. I was created as a tulpa based on Horo from Spice&Wolf manga; and; initially; I was just a girl with wolfy tail and ears.

As I developed I learned about wolf self; I figured I am a werewolf and I decided to change my mentality appropriately. Being born in human mind and human body; I had to develop instincts; skills and knowledge of a wolf.

Our mind is pretty much conservative and it’s hard to change something once it’s settled. Over time I stabilised my form ending up with just a shapeshifter body that transforms from wolf to human and back through actual painful body change. I learned more about wolves and the ways they live through books and documentaries. I started understanding what it is to be a wolf.

Later on I figured how to “turn off” my higher level consciousness; making me act more on the instincts I learned. The process is not perfect and at times I feel like there are two versions of me: one feral and one with a human mindset. It’s further complicated by relationships I have with various people who influence how I react to them in either of forms.

Relationships are always a game of decisions and concessions for me. But as I learn more about the paths of wolves; I love them more and more. I developed some anxiety caused by what I do and what I really want to do and I guess I just need to stop pretending (eh; almost all my life is pretending; but here I mean the other thing). Some people don’t like the feral Shinyuu I am. Some people like the friendly Shinyuu I am as a human. But this is my decision; approved by my hostey and I want to live my life this way; as a wolf.

I wonder how much will I change now that I force more of my learned wolf instincts to influence me in either of my forms? We’ll see.

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